Little Pillows – R.I.P.

The siege has ended and order had been restored, but that doesn’t mean I can rest easy. Apparently, my work is just beginning.

I say that because of the comments some of you left on my previous post. I could hardly believe my eyes when I read things like…cute…wonderful things…homes should be filled with soft colorful pillows…and they were the lifeblood of good decorating. It became obvious to me that what I experienced in my home wasn’t an isolated incident, and that homes all across America were slowly being taken over by this fluffy menace. I can’t sit back and do nothing. I have to tell the rest of my story in hopes that others will come to their senses and take action.

I ended my first warning expressing my concern that the pillows had become aware of my suspicions. As always, it was in the subtle things. When the wife and I would sit down on the couch to watch television, a wall of pillows would form between us, attempting to cut me off from her and drive us apart. Anytime I picked up the phone to place a call, I could hear a mysterious click on the line, a sure sign that someone…or something…was listening in to my conversation. I even had to start making journal entries about what was going on from my computer at work because I found one of the little devils sitting in my desk chair and this blog was on the monitor.

I didn’t know what to do and I was at my wits end. The rest of the family wouldn’t listen to my concerns, oblivious to what was going on. Whenever I brought up the subject of pillows they looked at me as if I had just confessed my dislike of ‘American Idol’. I began staying later at work and finding other reasons for being away. The dread I felt in my own home was palatable. But my worry for what the conniving cushions were planning continued to fuel my search for a solution.

The answer came by way of accident, in more ways than one.

With the temperatures outside beginning to dip below freezing, we decided to let our two dogs spend the night in the garage. I opened the back door to let them in, started walking towards the door leading into the garage, then noticed that both of the dogs, which were always full of energy and rambunctious, had become very still. They were staring very intently at something inside the room. I opened my mouth to call to them when I detected a low growl coming from one or both of them. Instead of calling their names, urging them into the garage, I walked back to see what they were focused on. When I reached them I followed their gaze… to a black pillow perched on top of the chair back. Glancing back to the dogs I could now see the hair standing stiffly on both of their backs.

That became the seed for my plan.

I had to wait two weeks before I could set things in motion. The wife needed to go to Little Rock for a day of shopping, so I volunteered to accompany her. The house would be empty for hours. Just as we were pulling away, I remembered that I had forgotten my cell phone. I ran inside, grabbed the phone I purposely left behind, opened the door to the backyard, and left.

When we returned that evening, we discovered a remnant of the first pillow just inside the front door, like a welcome home gift. Carnage was everywhere. Pillow guts covered everything. The smell of urine hung in the air. My wife was near tears and I did my best to feign shock and anger at the obvious culprits. I found them curled up near the back fence, pieces of pillow still dangling from their jaws, no doubt worn out from their pillaging. After walking through the entire house and seeing the full scope of the damage, it became clear.

Every single pillow had been torn to shreds.

But as I said, the battle is not over. I know I’ll have to find some way to prevent my wife from bringing the infestation back into our home. I also need to convince all of you about the peril that might be lying beneath your feet or behind your heads. I can’t be the first to have discovered this threat. Maybe there are others with dismembered bedding, unaware?

Please hear my plea! Colors are not the only thing they are coordinating. Be warned.

22 comments

  1. OMG... that is hilarious, and I'm hoping it's a tall tale?

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  2. damn those pillows!
    Good thing your dogs have your back

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  3. Aww, poor pillows! I'm sure your wife has told you, those little pillows are spendy! :-)

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  4. LOL. That was soooo funny. Thanks my friend. Smiles all around over here.

    I'll be on the lookout now.

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  5. That's funny...never thought of pillows as such a menace...but I don't have that many...except in the guestroom and come to think of it, the guest always are complaining there are too many...you may be on to something.
    Holly @ 504 Main

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  6. But what about the pillow's cousins...the tablecloth and the placemat??? They've always seemed suspiciously indulgent to me! Watch out!

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  7. You do realize you owe your dogs a special treat which hopefully won't be as expensive as replacing the pillows...

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  8. Do not waste your sympathy on the pillows!

    Kristi ~ I'm not worried about the tablecloths and mats. But has anybody else noticed how the bottles of shampoo's, conditioners, body wash, and various other assundry lotions in the shower seem to be multiplying? Hmmmmmm.....maybe?

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  9. You left the door open "on accident"? Dude, you're evil. Pure evil.

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  10. You left the door open "on accident"? Dude, you're evil. Pure evil.

    And does your wife read this blog??

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  11. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard. But if my husband ever tried that...he would have to die! : )

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  12. *Snickers* Oh you are a devious man. At least my hubby doesn't have to worry about that from me. A few small pillows laying around for more comfortable seating or a quick nap on the couch are fine. But those are all bought for comfy factor, not design.

    Never did understand the whole decorator aspect. Just more things that end up on the floor thanks to an active preschooler. I'm constantly picking up the pillows and putting them back on the couch and chairs. Self limiting that way.

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  13. Wow, remind me never to get on your bad side!

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  14. Fortunately the little pillows have not made it past our living room. I'm sure my wife would love our bed to be piled with little pillows, but she settles just for the big ones which are okay by me so far. My nuisance has been the ornate bed spreads. Sometimes I want to just lie down without being under the covers and I just want a nice smooth surface to lie down on. For a while each winter, wifey would break out this bed cover that was adorned with fringe, tassels, balls, and scratchy metallic threads. I pleaded and cajoled and commented daily about my dislike for the bedspread until finailly she caved. When we have company she will put the ornate spread on just in case they look in to see where the king and queen sleep, then thankfully when company leaves the ornate also leaves and my smooth bedcover is returned in place. The expensive cover will last for decades now at the rate we use it.
    Lee
    http://tossingitout.blogspot.com/

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  15. Lee ~ I have a couple of dogs I could lend you. :)

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  16. Sweet holy Moses, that was awesome. This is the first post I've read on your blog. Count me hooked.

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  17. So great! I'm a pillow person myself, but I try to let them know I am the alpha. I'm still cracking up, BTW, at the jogging story. I love my treadmill.

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  18. Brilliant, my friend, just brilliant.
    Aren't dogs fabulous?
    I can't stand little useless bullshit hanging around my house. I do paint my walls various colors though. I love color!
    Good luck keeping the little buggers from coming back.

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  19. Matt ~ I'll try not to be a one-hit wonder. :)

    Krista ~ Alpha?? *chuckling*

    G ~ Now that's the old fashion way of coordinating colors. Paint a wall! :)

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  20. You pillow assassin. I'm with Elena. Does your wife read your blog?

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  21. ...awesome.
    Pillows are a menace. When you have to Move pillows to sit down, that's a problem.
    Thank you for speaking out.

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