Fairy Tale Blogfest

I just couldn't pass us up Emily's Fairy Tale Blogfest.  You can go here to see the list of other entries.  I hope I didn't embarass myself too bad with this.  :)  Enjoy....I hope.


“Are you sure he’s following us, Hank?” my little sister whispered. “I can’t see him anywhere.”

“Don’t worry Gretchen, he’s back there,” I whispered in return, making sure to keep my eyes pointed straight ahead. “Go ahead and drop another one.”

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as her little hands dug inside her basket and pulled out the chocolate kiss, wrapped in a shiny silver wrapper, then let it tumble to onto the path.

I kept my eye on Tilly to make sure she didn’t look back over her shoulder and notice my sister following my instructions. I had debated long and hard about letting Gretchen drop the kisses as we went along, afraid she might not be able to pull it off and get them both caught, but the basket she always carried with her was a perfect hiding place. Besides, she was so low to the ground it was a piece of cake for her to do it unnoticed.

I’m not sure how long we’ve been walking. Probably hours. The sun was high in the sky and the temperature had risen to the point where I already had to shed my sweatshirt, tying it around my waist. The trail we were on, if you could call it that, had disappeared long ago and now we seemed to just be taking what free space the forest could spare. I could hear Tilly several yards ahead of us, cursing under her breath and making less of an effort to conceal it. Why should she? Who we going to tell?

Out of nowhere we broke into a small clearing. In its center were a couple of fallen trees, Tilly went straight to one and propped her foot up on one. She scanned the area, considering something, then seemed to make up her mind.

“This’ll do,” she said. She slung her backpack from her shoulders to a spot next to the tree and sat down.

“I thought you said we were going to see a waterfall,” I asked.

“Change of plans.” She pulled out the water bottle from the side of her backpack and drew on it heavily.

“Can I have some water?” Gretchen raised her hand.

Tilly eyed my sister as she continued sucking water from the bottle until it was all gone.

“Oops…all gone.”

It was all I could do to not jump on her and claw those teasing eyes out. “You have another bottle in your backpack.”

“That’s for the walk back and we have to conserve it.”

“But my sisters thirsty now!”

“It’s okay, Hank,” Gretchen offered meekly.

“SHE CAN WAIT!” Tilly responded with a raised voice, her usual way of ending any discussion. In her mind…volume equaled superior reasoning.

“If our mom were here….” I started, with no real intention of finishing the thought.

Tilly stuffed the empty bottle back into her backpack, laughing. “That would be just fine with me…then I wouldn’t have to put up with the two of you anymore.”

Suddenly there was a commotion behind us. I turned just in time to see our Uncle Brett stumbling out of the woods where we had just emerged.

“It’s about friggin’ time,” his girlfriend Tilly said.

I did my best to look surprised. “I thought you were staying back at the camp Uncle Brett?”

“I bet you did. I also bet you didn’t think anybody would catch that trail of kisses you left behind?” Brett’s smile with those foul teeth looked awful on a good day, but now it seemed downright evil.

Tilly’s face first registered confusion, and then anger. She took three giants steps and yanked Gretchen’s basket out of her hands before I could make a move to stop her. She dug into the basket, tossing out dolls and other playthings, until finally pulling back with a handful of kisses.

“What the hell?”

“It’s like they knew what we were planning,” Brett directed to Tilly.

Gretchen slid up beside me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

“They left a trail of these?” Tilly asked.

“Yep.”

“What did you do?”

“I ate them.” I was sure I could still see the chocolate on Brett’s teeth as he smiled again.

Tilly glared at the two of us, then started tearing the wrapping off the kisses and jamming them into her mouth. She didn’t stop until she had devoured all of the remaining pieces.

“You were going to leave us out here to die, weren’t you?” I asked them. “That’s why you suddenly wanted to go camping, and why you picked such an isolated spot.”

Tilly swallowed the remaining chocolate. “It’s nothing personal. We just aren’t the parenting type. But if we gave you up to Foster care then we’d lose that trust fund your mom so generously set aside for us.”

I turned to look at Uncle Brett, my mom’s sister, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. He began making his way over to Tilly when he abruptly stopped short and grabbed a hold of his stomach.

“Gretchen,” I whispered, “get ready to run.”

Brett doubled over in pain. He shot a look at Tilly that was a mixture of puzzlement and desperation.

“We found the poison you were going to use on us,” I said to Tilly as she moved to catch Brett as he fell to the ground.

“I stoled it weeks ago…you know…when it went missing. That’s when you came up with this idea instead. Did you know you can hear everything said in your bedroom from the vent that leads to the basement?”

Brett was moaning loudly now, curled up in a fetal position.

“So we took your poison and coated the kisses in it.”

The recognition flashed across her face in stages.

“RUN GRETCHEN!”

We ran back in the direction we came. I could hear Tilly starting to follow us, and then a sharp gasp, followed by a thud.

We ran a couple hundred more yards before we stopped and looked back, but no one was there.

“Do you know where we are?” Gretchen asked.

I scanned the trail where we had just come from, and then up ahead of us. There laying in the middle of the path was a discarded silver wrapper. Good ole Brett!

“We’re going to be fine, Sis.”

40 comments

  1. Hahahahaha I like it a lot. It's very clever

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  2. I love these blogfests! Seems I've missed so many this summer. Nice job!

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  3. Ha, nice twist on Hansel and Gretel :) What a creepy uncle.

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  4. What's that? Poison you say?? Awesome possum, I say!! :D

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  5. lol...nice. Fabulous twist on the fairy tale. I kept wondering which direction you'd take the modernization. Love it. :)

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  6. Not that is some smart kids. A happy ending in my book. ANd a very clever translation into present time.

    Thanks DL!

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  7. I loved it! Especially the part about following the wrappers home!

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  8. I like it :) Very creative and well-written!

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  9. Love the take on H&G, and the path of wrappers was great!

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  10. Hi,

    Absolutely brilliant!

    Oh God, I haven't kept mine as clean as this, despite yours having a killer touch!

    best
    F

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  11. Hey! I really liked this! Nice twist and great creative writing. You have inspired me! ;-)

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  12. Great twist in there. I love that the wrappings were still there!

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  13. yay! They won! :D j/k That was great. I wasn't sure it was H&G until the end there. Nice work~

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  14. Good work DL. Well developed characters, back story and setting. The story feels complete too. A good little mystery with a simple but viable plot.

    ......dhole

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  15. I love how the wrappers lead them home again! This is a fantastic take. Could imagine it perfectly.

    Great job!

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  16. This is great! Thanks for sharing!

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  17. This was a well written story. The chocolates save them twice and I love how you set that up. Love it! :D

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  18. Update: I'm posting finalists tomorrow. Not Wednesday. See you there! :D

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  19. Hah! A clever twist.

    Your writing is good and I think would benefit from an editor's eye. There's a couple tense shifts and word issues, but the content and storylines are wonderful.

    Everything I've read thus far of yours, I've thoroughly enjoyed. :)

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  20. Well that was unexpected! :]

    Come on over to my blog where there's an award waiting for you!

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  21. I am officially addicted to blog fests!!! My internet at work was down all day, I thought I would die, luckily I recovered and now was engaged every minute with your story!!

    I loved it, excellent twist on this wonderful tale!

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  22. Very nice job! I didn't see that ending coming:)

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  23. I also loved the twist. Original. The ending was fun.

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  24. Hansel and Gretl, I love it! Well done and thanks for sharing.

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  25. Clever twist.....*shivers*..what kids though...loved it!

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  26. I read this earlier, but didn't have time to comment. Loved how the kids gave their guardians back some of their own medicine. Nice twist.

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  27. Nice! I love that the kids won in the end. Very clever. And nice job on the modernization.

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  28. DL!!! DUDE!!!! AWESOME!!!!
    i love me a happy ending and some dead (or severely injured) bad guys! smart kids! hooray! :)

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  29. Ooh, great work! Hank and Gretchen versus evil Brent and Tilly. Are they the aunt and uncle? They made my skin crawl!

    Quick typo alert: Hank's sweatshirt should be tied to his "waist", not "waste". :)

    Neat job!

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  30. Damn that was good! I hated Tilly so much, I gotta admit, its been a long time since I hated a character so much. Great job!

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  31. Whoo-hoo! That was fantastic! Very cleverly done and smoothly written, I loved it!

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  32. DL, that was awesome! I had no idea you could write fairytales! WTG!

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  33. Ahhhh, I love me a fairy tale and this was great!

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  34. This has been such a fun fest to read and I love your spin. Poison...perfecto! And the visual on choco-teeth kinda grossed me out so great job on that I know you take satisfaction in such things :P Very clever!

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  35. That was awesome. I love the twist, just when you think the kids are out of luck.

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