Little Pillows

(This was previously posted 12/31/09 as a two part series and its one my real-life firends and family mention most often. Like all good short stories, it’s simply an exaggeration of the truth. I’ll post the second half Wednesday.)

My mental state has gradually progressed from irritation, to concerned, and now alarm.

It started innocently enough, as these things usually do. I’m fairly certain the place of origin was in the bedroom, but my mind is so fragile that the facts could easily be jumbled. Where it started is hardly the issue anyway. It’s survival! It’s either me or them!!

It all began six months ago when we brought home a new comforter for the master bed. The bundle we purchased included a set of matching pillow shams. We never used shams before, so in addition to the two pillows we each slept with, now there were two more sham pillows. That’s six pillows total. After my wife made the bed each morning she would carefully place the sham pillows on top of the others, eliciting the desired decorative effect. Whatever satisfaction my wife drew from this totally eluded me, but I let her do whatever made her happy.

That’s when the other pillows started to appear.

According to my wife, the smaller throw pillows were necessary to “bring out” the color of the comforter and tie it in with tones and hues present in the room. That was their only purpose! At first there were only two pillows, but when more and more started to appear I began to wonder just how many colors we had in the room to tie together. Nobody ever laid a head upon them, used them to prop up an arm, or even stuck them under a shirt to fake pregnancy. Their whole existence revolved around adornment. Soon it wasn’t just the bed space they occupied. It became a 15 minute ordeal to remove the pillows at night and toss them in a semi-organized pile in the corner of the room. Sometimes they didn’t all make it back onto the bed the next morning and hung out elsewhere. It wasn’t long before they were everywhere in the room, under-foot and in the way. However irritating I thought the whole situation was, I humored my wife and kept my mouth shut.

The pillows soon took advantage.

A month ago I was sitting in my recliner reading a novel, when something caught my attention. I peered over the top of the page, scanning the room for anything out of the ordinary, when I spotted it. Nestled in the corner of the couch, half-hidden underneath a lap blanket . . . was a red throw pillow. I didn’t recall seeing it there when I sat down, and nobody had wandered through the room. At first I thought it could have been an escapee from the bedroom, attempting to blend in as it made its way toward the front door, and freedom? But it wasn’t a color I recalled seeing before. During an intense cross examination of my wife that evening, she admitted that her practice of using pillows to accent color combinations had spread to the living room. My mood switched to concerned.

Slowly, but surely, the pillows spread. At one point I swore that the little buggers were procreating, evidenced by the fact that I’d go to bed with three pillows on the couch and the next morning I’d find four. Of course my wife told me I was crazy, letting my writers’ imagination get the better of me. The words echoed in my head…my writer’s imagination. Regardless, I had seen enough. I put my foot down (ironically on top of a pillow) and told her NO MORE PILLOWS!

Despite my edict, soon our daughters room was infected, and then the playroom. There was nowhere to sit without moving a pillow. I was at a loss trying to figure out how they were getting around. My concern even drove me to slipping out of bed one night, easing out the backdoor and peeking in through the porch windows using my son’s night-vision goggles in an attempt to catch some sort of nefarious night time activities. But I saw nothing. The bedroom pillows must have warned the others what I was up to.

Finally, I went on the offensive and stuffed a handful in the hall closet, only to have them reappear in their original position the next day. I was reaching the end of my rope.

The rope broke last week. I caught our eleven year old son walking through the kitchen on his way to his own room, carrying a pillow. THEY HAD TAKEN CONTROL OF MY SON TO MIGRATE! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So now I’m alarmed and what’s even worse, I think the pillows are on to me. Just the other day I woke from an afternoon nap, out of breath. A pillow was covering my face!

I have to find a way to turn the tide. After I finish posting this I’m going to print a copy and place it in our lockbox next to the life insurance policy. If I should die under mysterious circumstances, especially if there are PILLOWS nearby, at least the truth will be known.

This battle is only beginning!

30 comments

  1. Hah! This made me laugh. We had a similar experience in my master bedroom, only I'm the woman. You should chat with my husband. Hah...and tell your wife, I lost the battle.

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  2. I never really understood the whole little pillows you don't use thing. Nor do I get the tiny soaps you don't use or their neighbor, hand towels you don't use. It always seemed like a waste of space and money to me. My mother would try to decorate my bed as a teen and I would just shake my head and stare at her as if she had sprouted a third eye.

    Maybe I'm a dude in disguise...

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  3. hahaha! I bought these super soft throw pillows for the living room a few years ago, but they just got in the way. Eventually, I tossed them in the car with the rest of my donation stuff.

    Only my daughter hid one in the car so the darned thing is still haunting me...I just hope it doesn't decide to breed.

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  4. Ha! Can't wait for the second post, because this was too funny. :)

    (Just wanted to let you know that you put this reader in a good mood... a remarkable fact given that it is Monday morning!)

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  5. Pillows are like Tribbles. They're born pregnant and multiply so long as they have food and water. I think they can only be killed with a phaser. So good luck with that. :)

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  6. LOL! You should totally watch this episode of Coupling. One of the male characters goes into a whole diatribe about cushions. It's frickin hilarious.

    I found the link for you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp0-8Ibkczc

    Watch and enjoy!

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  7. AHAHAHAHA! Attack of the Killer Pillows!

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  8. ROFL. You're too funny, but I swear we have the same problems with blankets. They keep appear all over the house, especially in the tv room. And they're always on the floor.

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  9. Lol!! That's great. Evan would love this. I only have 2 throw pillows on the couch, but we sleep with 6 pillows between us, plus 3 little squishy pillows, and I have two shams. Evan hates shams. He tells me this every time he sees them. "What's the point of a sham?"

    Hehe.

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  10. i must have been slumming around your blog one day, becasue i don't think i was a follower back in 09 but i've read this before.
    I have the same feelings about the pillows...

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  11. This made me laugh out loud many times! Too funny.

    I just added a couple throw pillows in my bedroom for the same reason your wife added hers. Should I be concerned?

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  12. LOL, Dude it's an invasion. They are here in Kentucky as well. Should we start an underground revolution? :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  13. I loved this. Perhaps your next Knights book should involve pillows. Wouldn't that be something?

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  14. Funny! Can't wait to hear how it ends. ( I am a tad concerned, though it may just be the phrasing, that it's your wife's job to make the bed? Every day? In our house, it's whoever gets out of bed last makes it. Although, if she' concerned that the pillows are arranged just so...then she deserves the job! )

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  15. I am so glad my wife's never developed this obsession. A few pillows have appeared on our couch, but they were gifts and obviously came neutered.

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  16. Hahahahaha!

    Don't bag the small pillows! They have a rightful place in this world!

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  17. I don't get the little pillows. We have a few but they're a pain to take off to sleep and put on when we wake.

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  18. He he he. :)

    I confess to enjoying a decorative pillow here or there.
    *sheepish grin*

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  19. I sympathize... although there is a small part of me that wonders if it would be comfortable to fall asleep in a mountain of pillows. Seems like it would. But not decorative ones with crunchy insides, scratchy outsides and beaded fringe.

    I did indeed come across a car covered in sticky notes. As amusing as I found it, it wasn't that unusual a prank for my school.... just last week my roommate helped wrap our RA's room in Christmas gift wrap.

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  20. omg, DL--LOLOLOL!!! :D You sound like my husband at my Mom's house. She's a firm believer in the power of "accessorizing the home"~ ;p <3

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  21. Hahaha! I love pillows. Such sexy little things. And they totally bring out the various colors in a room. But unlike you, my husband totally abuses them. He uses them to prop up elbows, feet, food--you name it. My pillows don't last long in this house. It's tragic.

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  22. How funny!!! This post made me laugh out loud & I can relate. I have WAY too many pillows on my bed...but they look too pretty to get rid of.

    Perhaps pillows are plotting to take over the world?

    Looking forward to the second post...

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  23. Hahah! I am guilty of pillow abuse. It's the easiest way to change the look of the room. Imagine if the wife was repainting every time!

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  24. I do think accent pillows look pretty on a bed, but when we vacationed at a condo that had about ten throw pillows on the bed, I was sick and tired of moving them on and off the bed after just one week. Luckily for my husband I got to take a throw pillow test run before actually investing in any.

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  25. Thank you for this. The humor has greatly brightened my day!

    I don't have an obsession with pillows but I know people who do and it worries me as well. Perhaps people who buy pillows worry about my addiction with buying books.
    CD

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  26. Love it! Someone bought us some decorative pillows for our bedroom one day. Thankfully our room is upstairs and no one ever goes there....because they wouldn't see any pillows.

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  27. Thank you for the best laugh in months!! Too, too funny!! It would be even funnier IF I had not purchased, what I thought were the Best throw pillows ever last weekend.. but now I'm concerned!!! It started with One very firm one int he corrected 'accent' color for my bedroom. Then I decided I had to find another one to 'match'. Went to 3 other Gordman stores to find a match. I found 2.. so I had to get both so I would then have 3. One for a 'spare'.. then another 2 in another 'accent' color.. in case I got a new comforter someday. :-) Then I found 2 more of the firmly Best pillows in colors that would go with my son's comforter and had to get those too. Then I decided I needed to drive back an hour to the last Gordman's store and get 2 more in another 'accent' color.. just because they're a great deal and the Best. OMGooosh... I am obsessed!!! Actually I already new that when I wanted to go back during a blizzard. But now I know I am not alone!!!! I feel so much better! Please tell your wife Thank You & I'm here for her is she needs someone who understands!! :-)

    Love this post! So cute and so true from this woman's perspective!! :-)

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  28. Ha ha ha ha ha! I LOVE this--LOVE it!! :-)

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  29. ah, pillows are the law in decorating ,believe me, I'm an interior designer as well :))

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