WRiTE CLUB – Round 7


Just six more chances remaining to make it to the semi-finals of WRiTE CLUB and it's going to be rough.  There are more submissions than open slots, which is a good thing because it's an indication that WRiTE CLUB has been successful, but it also means that some dang good writing will never have the chance to duke it out in the ring.  Blame it all on the random number generator.   

There were no new submissions last week, so both contestants will come from the open pool.  Are you ready?  Got your popcorn and soda? Without further ado....



Here are this week's randomly selected WRiTER's.

Standing in the far corner, weighing in at 249 words, please welcome to the ring……..

GARGOYLE BEAUTY

The week before school started, we drove down to visit my grandparents.   The yearly visits were fun when I was younger, but I needed to go back home and hang out with my friends.  My older sister, Audania, wanted to stay for the whole trip.

Girls!  Ugh!

I figured I was stuck since my parents always listened to her over me.  Not this time.

Home was an hour’s drive away when we ran into rain.  It quickly turned into a drenching downpour.  I peeked out the front windshield, gasping.  Lightening streaked through tumbling cloud castles in the sky.  Thunder roared.  I jerked against my seatbelt as it crashed overhead.   There was no road, only a whirling funnel of rain.

Each second dragged on.  Mom mumbled something, I don’t know, a prayer maybe.  Her lips moved fast.  Dad clenched his jaw.  Audania reached across the backseat and grabbed my hand.

Time crawled to a standstill.  Bright headlights appeared before us on a collision course.  Dad yanked the steering wheel hard to the left.  Our wheels lost traction.  My stomach lurched into my throat.  Metal crunched, whined and moaned as we toppled end over end.

The next day I awoke in the hospital, a tube in my arm, no pain anywhere.  My grandparents told me I was the only one left of my family.  Nausea wracked my stomach and I puked, just missing grandma. And I screamed – from the loss, the confusion and from knowing what happened was all my fault.


And in the other corner, weighing in at a mere 239 words, let me introduce to you ……..

TERRI  LEE

I’m running as hard as I can weaving in and out of the trees, with only the moonlight illuminating my way.  I can barely see, but my heart tells me the way.  The trees sparkle silver in the moonlight, dancing in the wind, taunting me.  Their branches lick across my face and I feel the scratches they leave behind.  Anticipation consumes me; I have to make it there in time.

Hearing sounds of a fight, I turn in that direction. Suddenly, I am sprawled on the ground. Getting up on my haunches I look around. Then I see it. Then I see him. His eyes are pure black, empty, soulless. My breath hitches in my throat and I shuffle back to escape this thing. Coming up against what I tripped on I can’t move. My hands feel warm and sticky. Tearing my gaze from my nightmare,  my heart beats painfully loud, I glance at what I tripped on. No, not what, who. Raising my hand to my face I see grey, but I know, it’s simply a trick of the moonlight, it should be red. Blood, his blood, then I look at his face. I try to scream, but no sound leaves my mouth. Tears stream down my face, as my heart crushes in my chest. No, it can’t be him. Looking up I see my nightmare take a menacing step toward me. Now, finally, sound leaves my mouth.

Which one will it be?  In the comments below leave your vote for the winner of round 7, along with any sort of critique you would like to offer.  Please remind your friends to make a selection as well.  The voting will remain open until noon Sunday. Remember, you can throw your pen name into the hat anytime during these last six weeks by submitting your own 250 word sample.  Check out the rules by clicking on the badge below…then come out swinging!

Remember, here in WRiTE CLUB, it’s not about the last man/woman standing, it’s about who knocks the audience out!

Where words are the true knockout!

35 comments

  1. It's hard to choose! I'll go with the second selection written by Lee.

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  2. Yikes! I've now stumbled on three disturbing shorts today and it's only 9 a.m.

    I'll go with Gargoyle Beauty, the writing is crisper. While Lee's descriptions are vivid, the sentence structure is too jarring for me.

    Now I need find a funny limerick or something...

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  3. this was a hard choice for me. I think Terri Lee just barely inched out in front

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  4. I have to go with the first one. I feel for that poor boy! My heart literally ached for him, losing his family like that. I like that the sentences are a bit jarring because that's what the experience of the car crash IS.

    *As a side note, I'm only part of 2% who mostly writes in Women's Fiction? Wow. I would have thought there'd be more of us. :)

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  5. Really tough this week. Think I'll go with the second one.
    And you are a winner today on my blog!

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  6. Terri Lee's was just a little more powerful.

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  7. Man, these choices are getting harder and harder to make every week! I think I'm going to go with #2, Terri Lee, because the descriptions are more vivid. I felt a greater sense of urgency while reading it.

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  8. Hmm... Well, I have to confess, Gargoyle's was too close to "If I Stay" for me. And it seemed like the writing was a little too rushed, not enough information conveyed or emotion invested before the big event happened.

    I'm kind of paranormaled out, but the second did a better job of building the scene, so my vote's for #2, TERRI LEE.

    Best to both! :o) <3

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  9. My vote goes to Terri Lee. With the first one, I felt like it was too much telling and it could have used a longer build up (hard to do with word count limits though).

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  10. They are both really powerful this week. I think the first one was more powerful than the second in subject matter so I will choose Gargoyle Beauty.

    That being said, I wish GB had drawn out the news of the death of the boy's family a little bit. It seemed to quick, it would have been hands down if we had a better reaction to the news.

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  11. Just...too...hard.
    The choices are getting so difficult. I'll go with GB since the second selection was engaging but still left a few things a little vague for me.

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  12. This is hard. I've comeback twice and I'm still having a hard time deciding. Neither is a clear cut winner in my mind, but each draws me in at some point.

    I'm going to go with #1 Gargoyle Beauty. I'm not even sure why.

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  13. This is SO tough. Both are awesome. I think I'll go with the second selection by Lee.

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  14. I'd go with Gargoyle Beauty, too. They were both great pieces.

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  15. Two great entires once again. My vote is for Terri Lee.

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  16. Hard choice! I can't decide, so I won't vote. I suck like that. But great snippets. Love the whole thing you have going here.

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  17. I'm with CPat, my vote is for Gargoyle - although, actually mentioning the puke may be a bit much.

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  18. I read these this morning and couldn't decide, so I let them "stew" awhile.

    While the 1st one could expand a little better (show!), that story stuck with me more than #2 did and I guess that's what's important in this contest. So Gargoyle Beauty gets my vote.

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  19. Another toughie - both have parts I enjoyed. My vote will go to #1 - (although I'd like to see more show than tell)

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  20. Definitely a tough choice, but I'd go with #1 too!

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  21. I feel the second one has more emotional investment than the first, and is more vivid and intense. Despite the sometimes-awkward sentence structure, my vote this week goes to Terri Long.

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  22. This is awesome! I suppose I must pick Lee as well. Great choices :)

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

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  23. Definitely Terri Lee. And yes, we're told to avoid too many commas, but you need one in the first sentence after "as I can"
    For Gargoyle, there are just too many short sentences. Beginning writers are told to write like this, but pull a book you admire off your shelf and see if it's really done that way.

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  24. This is such an interesting battle of wits! Since I'm late to the match, I hope I'm still able to vote. It's close, but I'd have to say Terri Lee has a little more punch! Thanks for the email DL. I'm having Internet problems, so I couldn't respond earlier. Julie

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  25. I think the second one is more active...

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  26. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, DL. Thanks for your support this year.
    Karen

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  27. I'm going with Terri Lee. I also thought it was a little more powerful.

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  28. This one is really hard! I am going to go with Gargoyle Beauty - probably only because it is more my style of story.

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  29. Odd, but i felt both these were a tad bit jarring ... maybe it's the sentence structure needing varying.
    I am going with #2.

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  30. The second story with it's haunting descriptions is my pick.

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  31. Wow, both of these are well writting, fast paced, intense.

    I liked the vivid description in Lee's excerpt; but I also liked the intimacy of Beauty's.

    My vote goes to Beauty. The short sentences were a little jarring during the action, but I liked the effect. And I liked intimacy of the MC; we get to know a bit about him personally, and see his family dynamics before the crushing event. The story progressed well without feeling like anything was left out.

    ........dhole

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  32. This is my first time voting, and I didn't know it would be so hard. I liked both, but I'm choosing Terri Lee.

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