WRiTE CLUB - The Quarter-Finals - Bout 2






After this bout, on Friday morning, the final will be set.  No beating around the bushes today, let's get to it!  Leave your votes in the comments below.  Everyone has a voice, so spread the word!


Passing through the ropes now is..................LUCKY LEFT HOOK

I watch the girl as I have every day for the last five days. She moves around the outdoor patio of the restaurant while balancing a drink-loaded tray. The effort forces an small, apple-sized bicep to form in her slender arm. I imagine her shiny black hair falling to her shoulders as the red stick holding her careless knot bobs lazily. The girl drops her pen and moves to place the tray on an empty table.

As she bends to retrieve it, my eyes meet her almond-shaped dark ones for an instance, and I look away. I'm not quick enough and recognize that she's angry.

Does she think I am stalking her? Probably. I'll have to skip a couple of days. I don't want to scare her. And then again, she doesn't actually look scared. She looks angry with a touch of curious.

"Can I get you anything else?" The waiter, a man with thinning hair arranged across the top of his head, holds the black restaurant bill folder in his hand. I can tell that he wants the table for his next customer as I look around at the crowded tables. He drums the edge of the bill folder with his neat, thin fingers. I can see the speculation in his eyes as they move over my t-shirt and holey jeans. His eyes say, "Doesn't this kid have a summer job?" The waiter smiles, but it's a fake smile that matches his equally fake tan.

"No. Just the check." I steal a glance in her direction for fear that she will disappear into the crowded dining room inside. It's too late and she's gone.

I glance at the ticket that's been placed in front of me and retrieve my wallet. Throwing a couple of bills on the table, I take one last sip of my water and crane forward, looking through french doors into the dining area.

"What's your problem?"

Her husky voice electrifies my senses. I've heard it in my dreams hundreds of times. I don't answer immediately. My rehearsed line tumbles from my brain and is lost.

I turn after a measured second that seems like hours. "I have a proposition for you." The words are all wrong. Her proximity makes me nervous that she will read my mind and know.

She laughs, a brittle sound that doesn't match what I know of her. In my dreams, she is all sweetness. It startles me when she places her hand on the back of my chair and leans down to whisper. "Listen, creep. I will say this one time. You show up here again and my brother will take a sharp knife to your tender and delicate places. Capiche?"

The juxtaposition of her words and what I know of us is almost more than I can stand. I wish to start over, but there's no beginning that would be right.

"Seiko, I need your help." I think of the photograph in my wallet.






And stepping into the other corner................ANNE SHIRLEY




They say that when you're about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes.

Turns out it's true.

I sprawl in a pool of my own blood. The sky comes in and out of focus, and it's an unnatural color, like a bruised plum. Bombs explode to my right, spewing smoke tongues that smother the earth. Two men hover over me - Lieutenant Daniels and that baby-faced soldier who cried the night we got deported. I think they're trying to staunch the oozing wound on my thigh, but I'm not too sure.

My mind is going. Lying there on the battlefield, all I can see is Molly. Molly wearing her Dodgers cap in the kitchen, making breakfast, telling the dog to get down, stay there, good boy. Peter! Emily! Hurry up or you'll be late!

Wagging tail. The crisp smell of cinnamon French toast. Backpacks zipping. Sneakers skidding because the bus is pulling around the corner. Shit, I'm going to miss it! YOUNG MAN, don't ever let me hear you say that word again! Giggles. Peter said a bad word, Mom.

Little arms thrown around my neck. I love you, Daddy. I love you too, sweetheart.

The baby-faced soldier's voice slices through my delirium. "He just call me sweetheart?"

"Don't flatter yourself, son. He's feverish. Hand me that bandage."

"Yes, sir."

Lieutenant Daniels' ruddy face appears. "Jackson. You're gonna be all right, you hear me?"

A church decorated in red, white, and blue. My father lying there in his coffin. I kiss his cold forehead, the way he used to kiss mine when I was sick. I love you, Dad. My turn to fight for peace. I swear I'll make you proud.

San Francisco Bay, holding hands with Molly, heart racing because I'm about to ask her to marry me.

The doctor's office with Pat, my frat brother, my football buddy. The cancer will take me over, Jackson. No, it won't, I won't let it. You're gonna be just fine, Pat.

"He's going, going, gone," the young solider mutters.

"Don't count him out yet," Lieutenant Daniels says.

As if on cue, I sit up. Everything, everyone I love. I don't know if I'll see any of them again. But there's still breath in my body. Where there's breath, there's life. And where there's life, there's fight.

"Jackson. Get down, we need to clean that wound!"

"Where are you going?!"

I crawl out of our hideout. Dragging my bad leg, I sling my gun over one shoulder.

There's a small army of them, tongues lolling from their lifeless faces. Green skin curdled like bad cheese. Slowly, they lurch toward me with sickening hunger, moving around the mutilated bodies of my fallen comrades.

I imagine them bending over Molly, the kids cowering in the doorway.

I load my gun.

They want my brains. I want them dead. Even deader than they already are.

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCHES!" I scream.

"Jackson, no!" Lieutenant Daniels howls.

I throw myself at the zombies.







29 comments

  1. Wow, this is becoming difficult...
    First one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My vote goes to Anne Shirley. The writing is just so smooth.

    Lucky Left Hook has put in too many physical appearance descriptions. It interrupts the flow of the narrator's thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Both are written very well, but I'm going with Lucky Left Hook.

    As I've said in previous rounds, the second one just feels over the top to me: A "I'm losing him!" dying moment with life-story flashback, frantic soldiers and medics, a screaming-as-he's-dying charge, AND zombies?

    Anne Shirley is trying to wow me with Hollywood "Flash-Bam-Gee-Whiz" big production, while Lucky Left Hook is subtly trying to pull me in with mystery and suspense and character.

    To me that wins every time...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm not voting because I like them both.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alex is right, it's getting harder and harder to choose. All right, gotta go with Anne Shirley. Love that pen name!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Stickin' with the Zombies (almost against my better judgement -did it have to be Zombies).

    My vote is for Anne Shirley

    ReplyDelete
  7. The opening seems a little cliche, but I'm going with Anne Shirley anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I dunno ... I just ... dunno ... I like them both for different reasons. Anne Shirley I guess. Close call.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anne Shirley - altho I'd have liked the first one better with less description, like Dianne said.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not a zombie fan usually. Maybe I'm swayed by my new obsession The Walking Dead, but I'm voting for Anne Shirley.

    Both were well done, but Anne's is a bit easier to read.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This was difficult. I'll vote for Lucky Left Hook. I want to know more of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I still love Lucky Left Hook. That has my vote again today. I'm so sad that this is coming to an end :( I think you should do it again. lol :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tough, but my vote goes the first one.

    "They say that when you're about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes.
    Turns out it's true." This is becoming cliche. I've seen it done so many times.

    Good luck to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tough, so tough.

    I'm going with... Anne Shirley.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Like everyone else I'm finding this really hard. #1

    ReplyDelete
  16. Another tough round. But I have to go with Anne Shirley.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lucky Left hook for me.

    ........dhole

    ReplyDelete
  18. I was hooked by the first one :D

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anne Shirley grabbed me more ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Lucky Left Hook! These really are so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This stinks, they are both really good. ummm... I'll vote for Lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Wow, they're both good. It's really tough to pick. I'll go with the first.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh geez... this is so tough. The second one is depressing but it's just so well-written. My vote's for Anne.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wow...I'm not a big zombie fan, but my vote goes to number two. I was totally in the story!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I will go with the second one. The first was intriguing, but too vague for me (and yes, I know that is done to intrigue, but it leaves me having no idea how to feel about his following this girl). The second one set a more complete scene, I think.

    Both are fantastic, though!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

    ReplyDelete
  26. Wow it's coming down to the finals. This has been so fun. Thanks for all your hard work, DL!
    I'm going with Anne Shirley. It just reads effortlessly.
    But big congrats to Lucky for holding his/her own!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ahh, crap!!! I've been so buried this week, and it's probably too late to weigh in. But my vote goes for Anne Shirley!

    And thanks DL for managing all this. What a fun contest! You da man~ :D <3

    ReplyDelete

 

Archives

Blog Blitz

Design by: The Blog Decorator