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WRiTE CLUB - Round 6

This is a big week.  WRiTE CLUB has made it to the mid-way point with this weeks round six, going strong as ever, and on Friday the Deja Vu Blogfest kicks off.  This may be the blogosphere's slow season, but things sure seem to he hopping from what I'm seeing.

When I was putting together WRiTE CLUB I did a little bit of research to see if anything in a similar vein existed.  The closest thing I found was a WRITE CLUB based in Atlanta where weekly write-offs were held at a local club, having writers read aloud samples of their work to a live audience.  It was a novel (pardon the pub) concept, but what I didn't like about it was the possibility of it turning into a popularity contest.  Appearances and personality could easily shift the focus away from the words.  That's why I enjoy the anonymity of our WRiTE CLUB.  There is nothing to distract the spectators from that which truly matters...the WRiTING!

Speaking of WRiTING, we have a couple of new opponents for you this week.  The submissions continue to roll in, so one side of the draw will come from the newby pool and the other side from the open pool.  So, without further ado.....

Here are this week's randomly selected WRiTER's.
Standing in the far corner, weighing in at 249 words, please welcome to the ring…….. 

“A family.”  Athena was disgusted.  “They killed a family.”

Perseus gestured at the other figures.  “Athena, all these are facing away from the Gorgons.”

“As if fleeing.”  She thought deeply.  “They do not turn to stone instantly.  This man was carrying the child as they fled.  The Gorgons do something to them to start the process of hardening, then the victims try to get away.”

“‘Start the process.’  You mean something different from just their ugliness?”

“No matter what, use the reflection in the shield to look at them.  My thoughts on this are incomplete.”

“My mother once told me of a man who was bitten by a snake, and he became stiff, as if made of wood—”

“Did you go deaf?”  Athena was angry about the dead family, angry about secrets held by her fellow immortals, and angry about her inability to control this young man.  “Do not ponder your way into doing something unsafe.  I didn’t pluck you off the island of Samos so you could think your way into trouble, instead of listening to wisdom!”

“You didn’t choose a man who was deaf, or unable to think.  I can do both!”  His cheeks tightened with anger.  “Why can’t I listen to your wisdom as you talk out loud, and we both draw the same conclusion?”

“Because we’re approaching danger, that’s why!”

“Oh, is that why I brought this weapon?  I thought we were approaching some paved fountain in the desert with little children skipping around.” 

And in the other corner, also weighing in with 249 words, let me introduce to you ……..


The man placed the bottled water in his pocket and lifted the second rock. The massive size of it required him to extend his arms across as far as they would go. Although the breadth and weight of the next slab would be insurmountable to two men, he lifted the much heavier concrete slab with the same dexterity and effort as the first.

Abby's forearm appeared. It was as ashen in color as the rocks it nestled in. The man moved rocks, small and large, tirelessly until he was satisfied with the opening. He began to dig down and test the rocks. He moved deeper rocks to form a ridge along the perimeter of the hole, much as a child digging a hole in the sand. He pulled gently enough to move the Abby, but not so he would dismember her if she were still caught.

The man arranged her on the most level ground, but no good place existed to place the girl flat on her back. Leaning forward, he placed two fingers on her neck. It was a quick and sure procedure that only verified what he already knew.

He was not alarmed by the lack of a pulse.

A booming sound from yards away drew his attention only for a moment as firefighters rushed to contain and extinguish the flames from a compromised gas pipe.

He looked down again at Abby. A film of dried blood crackled on her skin to form a spider's web pattern.

Leave your vote for the winner of round 6, along with any sort of critique you would like to offer, in the comments below.  Please remind your friends to make a selection as well.  The voting will remain open until noon Sunday.  
Remember, here in WRiTE CLUB, it’s not about the last man/woman standing, it’s about who knocks the audience out!  Want to take part in the word battles, throw your pen name into the hat anytime during the first twelve rounds by submitting your own 250 word sample.  Check out the rules by clicking on the badge below…then come out swinging!
Where words are the true knockout!
PS.  Its not too late to register for the Deja Vu Blogfest scheduled for this Friday, December 16th.  It's going to be EPIC!


  1. I really liked the second one but then I'm into murder these days. :)

    Thanks for the kind comments.
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  2. While I'm normally a mythology junkie, I've gotta go with #2...I'm expecting Abby to get reanimated for some reason and I'd read on to see if I'm correct...In fact, I'd love the writer to drop me a line and let me know if I'm right! :)

  3. #2 for me as well. I really liked the description.

    I felt a little lost on the first entry

  4. I liked them both...hard to choose because they were so different. I'll have to say the second one made heart race a bit, so I choose it.

  5. I was a little confused by the first, so I will go with the second.

  6. I'm going to go for the second!

    Good luck with the blogfest on Friday! :)

  7. I'm with number 2. I have to admit neither reached out and grabbed me the way some of the past entries have. Each seemed a bit confusing, as though the syntax could be cleaned up a bit. Just a thought.

  8. I'm a little confused by both entries, to tell the truth. I kept going back and forth between them. I think I'm going to go with #1 because it looks to me like a mystery story featuring the Greek gods, which is pretty cool, but this was a really tough choice for me this week.

  9. I agree with Clarissa. The second one gets my vote.

  10. I felt lost on the first entry as well. So I vote #2.

  11. I vote for NextMark. Both well done, as usual, but for such a dangerous situation, Luck doesn't carry much tension - too placid.

  12. Hmmmm... Neither of these really grabbed me right off the bat. With the first one, I felt like it was way too telling instead of showing (all the emotions are spelled out for you - if they're angry, etc, it just says it, rather than showing a muscle twitch by her eye or her jaw clench or something).

    With the second one, I felt like there wasn't enough tension for what the scene needed. At first I just thought he was moving boulders for no reason, not that there were sirens or anything to explain there had been some kind of accident.

    So, yeah. As far as writing style, number 2 I felt was better, but the story of the first one intrigued me more. Tough call. I guess I'll go with number one.

  13. Although both submissions were done well. I was more drawn into the second one than the first. I vote for number two.

  14. I liked the tension in the second piece. It had me. :-)

  15. Both submissions were unique in their own rights. Both also went into certain telling details that slowed things down a bit. However, I'm voting for Luck Left Hook for the "curioser and curioser" feeling it started evoking near the end.

  16. I like the second. This fight club stuff scares me. :)

    I'm a new follower.

    Thanks so much for checking out my trailer over at Alex's blog.

  17. The second one read much easier for me so I'll go with that one.

  18. Another tough decision. I think I have to go with the 2nd one this time around.

  19. Me + Tiana = same person this time. I'll vote for #1. It seemed the most polished going into the "fight." ;p

  20. It's number two for me. I'm waiting for Abby to bare fangs.

  21. Both entries are a bit rough, but I was more intrigued with Luck Left Hook's story, so that one gets my vote.

  22. Luck Left;

    I was with the story right up to “He pulled gently enough to move the Abby, but not so he would dismember her if she were still caught.” Nit-picky I know, but I think the real confusion for me is “the Abby”. There was so much talk of moving the rocks, and then Abby’s forearm appeared, and I got the sense that Abby might be a statue - until He checked Abby’s pulse. I was so intrigued by what the digging could be about; and then that bit of confusion broke the story spell. And then the scene pulled out show the entrance of the firefighters. There is deep emotion attached to this scene; but I don’t have a distinctive character to attach the emotion to. I am not connected personally to an individual; just a setting and emotion.

    This scene is well crafted to pull the reader in, and I would read further to find somewhere to focus my displaced emotion.


    Your opening is extremely engaging; that first line is an accomplished hook, followed up well by Perseus’ statement. I immediately got a sense of the world and the main characters; two detectives in ancient Greece or Rome investigating a mythological murder. In just a few short sentences you built a world, introduced the main plot, and grabbed my attention with the expertise of the main characters. Very well done.

    I was confused by the relevance of “No matter what, use the reflection in the shield to look at them. My thoughts on this are incomplete.” So far, there has been no hint of lingering threat, and I found this line out of context with the scene plot. I find it way too soon to introduce your culprits/monsters, and so would have liked to continue with the character/world building/mystery scenario.

    While I am intrigued by the mystery of both excerpts, I think Nextmark did a more thorough job of introducing me to the world, the plot and the significance of the showcased characters. So, my vote goes to Nextmark.


  23. I'm voting for #2 - this rock-mover definitely has me intrigued!

  24. #2 "A film of dried blood crackled on her skin to form a spider's web pattern" Great line

  25. I'm going to have to vote for the second one. Great entries as aways.

  26. I'll throw my vote at number one. I agree with the comments that, although these both have the makings of great stories, they're not as polished as what we've seen in earlier rounds.

    Got my DeJa Vu post all ready & scheduled. :)

  27. Another great week! Sorry I forgot to stop by last week. Been crazy busy. While I love Greek mythology and was drawn instantly to the first one, I feel the scene was not compelling, and that the story did not progress enough to catch my attention. The scene in the second one with the man extracting Abby's body was a heartbreaking one, and for that my vote goes to Luck Left Hook.




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